Waking the dead
Does anyone else have remarkably weird thoughts when they first wake up?
Upon being awakened by my super-annoying, worthy of being smashed, yet valuable to my livelihood alarm clock, I often think to myself that it won't be a big deal if I go to work late.
"No one will even notice!" says the groggy brain.
But I sometimes have thoughts that are much weirder than that. One of the oddest ever happened a few mornings ago. Some back story: there is an issue that I have been obsessing over and been very whiny about for a while. However, I have come to my senses (thanks to my smart husband who doesn't put up with my whiny-baby crap) and decided to shut up about it, let it go, and let God take care of me, because it's really out of my hands.
So I must have been thinking about this whining boycott in my sleep, or something, because I woke up thinking:
"I have a great plan. If I ever dwell on this problem again for more than five seconds, then my punishment is to eat five mini-pies."
Now, if you don't know what mini-pies are: they are those little brightly-packaged things you can buy at the grocery store or at a conveniece store, that have like 50 grams of fat and ingredients like "hydrolyzed beef protein". Yeah, they're pretty sick and five of them would probably give you enough saturated fat for two years. Oprah Winfrey will probably stop their production soon in the name of healthy women, wielding her mighty, smiley power.
Scary thing is, I continued to think about this mini-pie punishment idea for like ten minutes, and realized that it was the best mind-control method EVER. "It's so metaphorical", I mused. "As those pies poison me, so my continual dwelling on problems I can't change poisons my very mind! I need to write a book."
Scarier yet: I then tried to think of all the mini-pie flavors, and decided that I would have to eat two bad pie flavors (like lemon) for every somewhat respectable pie flavor (berry, chocolate). Which, with some fancy math, would mean four bad pie flavors and only one good pie flavor. That's even MORE dreadful! Such a deterrent from whining in one's head, yeah? Unless you like mini-pies.
I can just imagine someone reading this and thinking, my word, get this lady some help. That's a nice gesture, thanks. What I'd really prefer, though, is if you'd share a weird thought or two that you've had before joining the land of the living.
Upon being awakened by my super-annoying, worthy of being smashed, yet valuable to my livelihood alarm clock, I often think to myself that it won't be a big deal if I go to work late.
"No one will even notice!" says the groggy brain.
But I sometimes have thoughts that are much weirder than that. One of the oddest ever happened a few mornings ago. Some back story: there is an issue that I have been obsessing over and been very whiny about for a while. However, I have come to my senses (thanks to my smart husband who doesn't put up with my whiny-baby crap) and decided to shut up about it, let it go, and let God take care of me, because it's really out of my hands.
So I must have been thinking about this whining boycott in my sleep, or something, because I woke up thinking:
"I have a great plan. If I ever dwell on this problem again for more than five seconds, then my punishment is to eat five mini-pies."
Now, if you don't know what mini-pies are: they are those little brightly-packaged things you can buy at the grocery store or at a conveniece store, that have like 50 grams of fat and ingredients like "hydrolyzed beef protein". Yeah, they're pretty sick and five of them would probably give you enough saturated fat for two years. Oprah Winfrey will probably stop their production soon in the name of healthy women, wielding her mighty, smiley power.
Scary thing is, I continued to think about this mini-pie punishment idea for like ten minutes, and realized that it was the best mind-control method EVER. "It's so metaphorical", I mused. "As those pies poison me, so my continual dwelling on problems I can't change poisons my very mind! I need to write a book."
Scarier yet: I then tried to think of all the mini-pie flavors, and decided that I would have to eat two bad pie flavors (like lemon) for every somewhat respectable pie flavor (berry, chocolate). Which, with some fancy math, would mean four bad pie flavors and only one good pie flavor. That's even MORE dreadful! Such a deterrent from whining in one's head, yeah? Unless you like mini-pies.
I can just imagine someone reading this and thinking, my word, get this lady some help. That's a nice gesture, thanks. What I'd really prefer, though, is if you'd share a weird thought or two that you've had before joining the land of the living.
posted by Amanda Lane at 4:40 PM
4 comments
