To be more specific,

the sadness I'm dealing with that I mentioned in my last post has much to do with something I heard a lot about in college. Vocation. I think vocation is a beautiful word. One of my profs told us it comes from "vocare", the Latin for "to call". That always stuck with me. I have come to believe that God has created me with a specific vocation, a calling that He has imprinted on my soul so I can't get away from it. I'm not referring here to the general vocation we all have to love God and others, but more to the special task or tasks He has given to you as an individual. Do you know what I'm talking about? That sense of there being something you were made to do? Maybe thoughts of creating art, or doing ministry cross-culturally, or starting a B&B at your beet farm keep you awake at night, or wake you up in the morning. Maybe you're already doing something about it, or maybe you're trying to figure it out. I'm in the second category, and I'm kind-of a mess!
Here it is: I think God has been "vocaring" me to write music and share it with people, for a long time, but I'm scared of the share-it-with-people part. I'm even scared to TELL people about wanting to do that. Yeah, I'll be honest, I'm a bit shaky even as I type this. Like I said in my last post, I'm struggling with sadness and confusion right now, and here's why: I've missed a lot of opportunities to grow in my calling and enjoy it, and I don't understand why I've been so afraid. I have been absolutely in love with words, music and stories since I was a little tyke. I was much bolder with my creativity in my little tykeness (weren't most of us?). I wrote plays for my friends to be in and directed them. I tried out for solos in school plays. I volunteered to read my stories out loud in class and shared them with gusto. Nonetheless, there was a side of me that was shy. I remember writing poems on a legal pad during a family road trip, and feeling very alone in it, making sure that no one saw them. I also remember getting the solo I wanted in a school play, and being so nervous about what people thought of me every time I sang that I couldn't even enjoy it. Then came adolescence, and I couldn't stop writing music. I found out that I was crazy about it. I wrote tons of songs, but shared them with no one. I was so afraid of being judged. I was creative in other ways, but I just couldn't let anyone see what was closest to my heart. In college, I chose a major that I wasn't super excited about, but it felt emotionally safe. The problem was that passion and enthusiasm were missing from my life. I was trying to be someone else, to avoid the vocation that freaked me out. Since graduating, I have realized my avoidance of my own heart, and have tried on and off to do something about it. I've been a teensy bit brave about it, sometimes, but it's really been more like entering a cold pool slowly and wincing all the way than diving into it with joyful abandon.
So I've been realizing a lot of stuff. First, my fear can't be in charge anymore. Aaron has been so encouraging to me in this. Last night he told me that I might always be scared, but I can't let it hold me back anymore. I'm also seeing that I can't dwell on the past opportunities I've missed, because that will sap all my joy (and steal my songwriting energy!). I need to be open to criticism too. Good criticism can only refine my skills at what God has given me to do. Most importantly, I need to write and perform music for God and to benefit others, and continue to follow my general vocation of love, or else I will be missing the entire point. God did not create me to live for myself. So why am I blabbing all this to you? I guess I want to communicate that if you don't have your vocation all figured out, you've got company. Let's be brave together, have some fun, and see what God does with us. I'm writing music again, and I'm smiling about it, because I know it's going to reach someone else's ears this time.*

*Those ears will only belong to Aaron some of the time. Poor guy. Let's face it, I do need a sounding board, as I'm sure it's not part of my vocation to ruin the world with terrible music. :)