Another Adventure with the Saturn

Approaching my exit off the 22 freeway this morning, I knew something was not right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I definitely knew that the Saturn was losing power. I pulled off the freeway onto Beach and coasted into the Chevron parking lot on my right. Just then, the ol' beauty sputtered out.
Joy, joy, joy.
Called workplace, informed receptionist. Got out to check oil. Couldn't lift the stupid hood. Random guy in late thirties asks me if I want help. Umm, okay.
Turned out that Random was a mechanic. He checked my oil, then he proceeded to check everything else. I kinda wanted to just call AAA, but, hey, the Saturn was getting a free checkup, and I decided to take it. Random regaled me with tales of cars he has worked on. It was hard to follow him though, because he threw in lots of terms that glazed my eyes like donuts. I wish I could write them down, but I have already forgotten them.
Then he made me get in the car and put it in drive, then 3rd, then 2nd, then neutral, etc., etc., for what felt like an eternity. It was so hot and sweaty outside. And my turkey-and-swiss sandwich, which I had so dutifully brought to work so I wouldn't go out and waste money as usual, wasn't doing well. Figures.
Somehow, Random rigged my car so that I had enough power to get to work. I had almost made it there, when I went to brake, and the brakes didn't work, like something out of a nightmare. I was on the phone with Aaron, and he told me to put on the emergency brake. I looked over, and saw that it was already on. I felt like a huge dumbhead. So I took it off, and my brakes sorta worked. Sorta. I had to push reallllllly hard. Scary!
So, looks like Aaron and I may be looking around for a new-used car. Let us know if you have any tips!