Schleppin' around

There is really no good reason for this post's title; I just like the word "schlep". I'm not even sure if that's how you spell it. Whatevs.
So, to follow up my last post, I'm happy to report that I'm having fun with trying to be more assertive. Recent efforts: telling high school students that I can't hang out with them on my day off because I need to spend time with my husband, and not letting myself feel bad about it; giving suggestions at work meetings and not worrying so much about if people like them or not; taking back my own poorly executed Starbucks beverage instead of batting my eyes at Aaron and asking him to do it. It feels scary and unnatural to do these things, but it's also very freeing. Internally, I'm finding that it's a lot about letting go of my desire to always give people what they want in the moment, for the sake of vitality and authenticity in my relationships. If I never acknowledge my own needs, I actually will not be healthy enough to care for others, and if never share my thoughts and feelings, I will be keeping people at arm's length instead of letting them know who I really am. Also, as far as learning how to say no when I need to, I'm seeing that I don't need to feel apologetic about my priorities, as long as they're good ones. Anyway, it's been good to think about this stuff and try to put it into practice, and I really appreciate all the comments on the last post. You guys are encouraging.
In other news, I'm really looking forward to the winter camp coming up for the high school ministry Aaron and I work with. We are focusing on the spiritual disciplines of study (of scripture), meditation (on scripture), and prayer. As we've been planning for camp, it has been interesting to talk about how God's word is sometimes approached more as a textbook than as vital, beautiful instruction that should be our sustenance and existence. We can expend a lot of energy on understanding what it's saying, but what's the point if it doesn't become part of who we are? It's been very convicting for me to think about.
On a less serious note, Aaron got us tennis rackets for Christmas. If you are in the vicinity of Orange and you see some people playing tennis and totally sucking at it, it's probably us, so stop and say hi! No, he's actually quite good and he's never even played. I, on the other hand, have played, but I probably have less natural athletic ability than a hamster or something, so I make some pretty stupid moves. It's just extremely satisfying to get a good hit in once in a while, so I'm going to keep chasing that dream as long as Aaron will put up with my crummy serves and spastic forehand. At least our future children have a 50/50 shot at having some coordination. Speaking of kiddos, congrats to sidebar buddies Louis and Lindsey!

Travails of a People-Pleaser

To all who easily make their own decisions, stand up for themselves, and brush it off when mistreated by random people: I struggle with not envying you! I want to be JUST LIKE YOU!
I wish I could remove the part of my brain that is obsessed with making people happy.
Examples of sick and twisted thoughts from the mind of a chronic people-pleaser:
"That person didn't request me as a friend on a social networking site? I know they requested so-and-so . . . what did I do WRONG? Great . . . I bet I offended them somehow, and they have probably talked to people about it to help them get over my horribleness, and now only God knows HOW many people think I am a horrible person . . . my day is OVER!"
"My suggestions weren't well-received at that meeting . . . arrgh! Maybe people thought I was being too pushy. Why can't I just try to listen more? I always tell myself that I will listen more and then I have to go put my foot in my mouth and share my opinion! Maybe people hate having me at meetings! When will I ever really contribute something that everyone likes?"
"Should I really tell the barista that she totally wrecked my drink? I'm sure she's trying hard. What if she's having a bad day? What if she hates it when customers complain? Even though I kind-of gag when I drink this, maybe it's not so bad."
"I shared my opinions with a family member about a decision they were making . . . why did I have to say so much? They can make their own decisions! Now they probably think I am bossy. They might not ever ask me for advice again!" *Continue to worry about it for a few hours*
"I want to venture out and do this with my life, but what if people think I am a joke? What if they think I should do something else and they're afraid to tell me? How can I be happy with myself if others aren't happy with me?"
Oh, and I could go on and on . . . but I will spare you the nuttiness.
Not many people know about these anxious thoughts that I am dealing with a lot of the time. Beneath my smiling facade there is a lot of fear of what people will think about me, do to me, say to me. I try so hard to make everyone pleased as punch, and it's wearing me out! It's time to ditch this way of life. Somehow I have come to believe that I have a ridiculous amount of control over the happiness of everyone around me, and how much they like me. I just don't, as much as that pains me. It's time to find my definition of success in other ways.