Travails of a People-Pleaser
To all who easily make their own decisions, stand up for themselves, and brush it off when mistreated by random people: I struggle with not envying you! I want to be JUST LIKE YOU!
I wish I could remove the part of my brain that is obsessed with making people happy.
Examples of sick and twisted thoughts from the mind of a chronic people-pleaser:
"That person didn't request me as a friend on a social networking site? I know they requested so-and-so . . . what did I do WRONG? Great . . . I bet I offended them somehow, and they have probably talked to people about it to help them get over my horribleness, and now only God knows HOW many people think I am a horrible person . . . my day is OVER!"
"My suggestions weren't well-received at that meeting . . . arrgh! Maybe people thought I was being too pushy. Why can't I just try to listen more? I always tell myself that I will listen more and then I have to go put my foot in my mouth and share my opinion! Maybe people hate having me at meetings! When will I ever really contribute something that everyone likes?"
"Should I really tell the barista that she totally wrecked my drink? I'm sure she's trying hard. What if she's having a bad day? What if she hates it when customers complain? Even though I kind-of gag when I drink this, maybe it's not so bad."
"I shared my opinions with a family member about a decision they were making . . . why did I have to say so much? They can make their own decisions! Now they probably think I am bossy. They might not ever ask me for advice again!" *Continue to worry about it for a few hours*
"I want to venture out and do this with my life, but what if people think I am a joke? What if they think I should do something else and they're afraid to tell me? How can I be happy with myself if others aren't happy with me?"
Oh, and I could go on and on . . . but I will spare you the nuttiness.
Not many people know about these anxious thoughts that I am dealing with a lot of the time. Beneath my smiling facade there is a lot of fear of what people will think about me, do to me, say to me. I try so hard to make everyone pleased as punch, and it's wearing me out! It's time to ditch this way of life. Somehow I have come to believe that I have a ridiculous amount of control over the happiness of everyone around me, and how much they like me. I just don't, as much as that pains me. It's time to find my definition of success in other ways.
I wish I could remove the part of my brain that is obsessed with making people happy.
Examples of sick and twisted thoughts from the mind of a chronic people-pleaser:
"That person didn't request me as a friend on a social networking site? I know they requested so-and-so . . . what did I do WRONG? Great . . . I bet I offended them somehow, and they have probably talked to people about it to help them get over my horribleness, and now only God knows HOW many people think I am a horrible person . . . my day is OVER!"
"My suggestions weren't well-received at that meeting . . . arrgh! Maybe people thought I was being too pushy. Why can't I just try to listen more? I always tell myself that I will listen more and then I have to go put my foot in my mouth and share my opinion! Maybe people hate having me at meetings! When will I ever really contribute something that everyone likes?"
"Should I really tell the barista that she totally wrecked my drink? I'm sure she's trying hard. What if she's having a bad day? What if she hates it when customers complain? Even though I kind-of gag when I drink this, maybe it's not so bad."
"I shared my opinions with a family member about a decision they were making . . . why did I have to say so much? They can make their own decisions! Now they probably think I am bossy. They might not ever ask me for advice again!" *Continue to worry about it for a few hours*
"I want to venture out and do this with my life, but what if people think I am a joke? What if they think I should do something else and they're afraid to tell me? How can I be happy with myself if others aren't happy with me?"
Oh, and I could go on and on . . . but I will spare you the nuttiness.
Not many people know about these anxious thoughts that I am dealing with a lot of the time. Beneath my smiling facade there is a lot of fear of what people will think about me, do to me, say to me. I try so hard to make everyone pleased as punch, and it's wearing me out! It's time to ditch this way of life. Somehow I have come to believe that I have a ridiculous amount of control over the happiness of everyone around me, and how much they like me. I just don't, as much as that pains me. It's time to find my definition of success in other ways.
posted by Amanda Lane at 12:30 PM
8 Comments:
it took me 2 years of intense professional therapy to get past this part of my personality! Recognizing the problem is the first step... Keep up the good work. The first part is figuring out what you want out of life and then focusing on that before thinking of doing what other people might want. Not like you can really read their minds to give them what they want anyway, right?
Thanks for the advice! I appreciate it. I am definitely also in the stage of trying to figure out what I want in life. Defeating that pleasing impulse and being honest with yourself seems to be very hand-in-hand. Do you think people-pleasing can sometimes be a part of the personality of the firstborn? I'm glad you've found freedom from this monster :)
I dunno if people pleasers are first-borns. I think mine came from a needy mom that trained me to treat all women . I think sanguines may tend more toward it, because they often need approval of others to feel complete.
omg.. this is exactly what it sounds like in MY head. except even crazier.
I am not at all very pleased by this post. What are you gonna do about it?
Amanda,
INFP? INFJ? You know that our personalities are very similar. I have countless stories of getting screwed over and doing nothing about it. It's bizarre.
Case in point: recently went to Hollywood Video and checked out a couple of movies with a rent-one-get-one-free coupon. So the total should have been around 5 bucks or so. I handed the guy the coupon, guys rings up the order, gives me the invoice to sign for $10 and I think nothing of it.
As I'm walking out of the store, in my head I'm saying: "Wait, he didn't ring up the coupon." I'm STILL walking out the door to the car and I get in and tell my wife, "He didn't use my coupon."
"Why? How much was it?" she asks, knowing this is another one of my brainless screw-ups.
"It was ten bucks," I said, looking at the receipt and getting mad that I did it again.
Something inside either compels us to believe that no one would consciously do us wrong. Then when it happens, something inside says, "Oh well, I don't want them to think I'm a [insert favorite adjective here], so I'll just smile and be on my way."
I, too, am first-born. Maybe that has something to do with it. I wish I could flip a switch and rewire my brain to stop worrying about what other people think and stand up for what's right.
By the way...I, too have endured bad Starbucks drinks or old pastries. My wonderful wifey won't tolerate that and has no problem letting them know. If only her husband could do the same....
Great to have you back! Keep a' postin'!!!
Hi sorry...OMG. Amanda, I keep re-reading your post and totally feel your pain, sister. Man, I could have written this. This is so me!
Wow, I didn't know I had so many kindred spirits out there :)
Dave, I do think the "sanguineness" in my personality adds to my struggle - I just love it so much when people are happy!
Abigail, I myself am crazier than I sound in this post . . . I edited my thoughts a bit in order to not cause people too much concern. Although it's not fun to deal with such thoughts, I'm glad we can at least empathize with one another.
Louis, with the help of God and those close to me, I am hoping to beat this thing to death. My initial efforts are focused on saying "no" when I need to, and speaking my mind when I feel afraid of offending people.
Joe, yes, you are RIGHT, when I take that Myers-Briggs thing I always get either INFP or ENFP, depending on how social I am feeling at the time :) And I know exactly what you mean about having trouble believing anyone would consciously do wrong - leads to a lot of blaming ourselves, doesn't it?
Thanks for the thoughts, everyone!
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